Families
We are ready to help you raise the best kids possible.
And we want to help you survive, and thrive, in the process.
Below is some info to give you an idea of how we can help.
The ADD-vantage
So it is for people with ADD. They are often relegated to lower levels of achievement than they are capable of, while certain individuals with ADD may tend to leap ahead of other people because of their special abilities. For example, Steven Jobs has been diagnosed with ADD and he is the president of Apple computers. It is also said that Pierre Elliot Trudeau the former Prime Minister of Canada had ADD. Many people in our society are functioning quite well with ADD, and in fact, the Director of the Psychotherapy Institute also has ADD. Each of these individuals has done well in life, and/or continues to do well in life, not because they’ve overcome their handicap, but because they’ve integrated their special talents. This supports the Individual Psychology philosophy that regarding talents/handicaps, it’s not what you’ve got but what you do with it. Similarly, your child may have a great deal to learn about how to deal with life, even if they are presently taking medication to help with their ADD. It is evident that a person with ADD has an opportunity to make a special contribution to their own life, their family, their school, and their society. It is the task of parents and teachers to find ways that the special talents can be used.
Encouraging your Child to Learn
Encouragement is the promotion of a sound idea or a helpful behaviour by virtue of explaining what a child has done right. It is seeing all mistakes as opportunities to learn and all correct behaviours as opportunities to encourage. We don’t gloss over mistakes, but we also don’t take for granted the beneficial aspects of what children do. A child who is taught with encouragement, is like a plant that has been given water and sunshine; it will thrive (Dreikurs). A child who has been denied encouragement is a child who is starving for acceptance of who they are by virtue of what they have done.
Encouragement is different from praise. Encouragement is a reflection of beneficial activity, whereas praise is about the person rather than the deed. In other words, don’t praise people, encourage behaviour.
Encouragement is different from praise. Encouragement is a reflection of beneficial activity, whereas praise is about the person rather than the deed. In other words, don’t praise people, encourage behaviour.
Four Mistaken Goals of Children's Misbehaviour
Parents and teachers often believe that children are driven by the events in their past. It’s more likely that children are pulled by goals, their own self-created goals. And because they are young and not experienced in life, this will not yield what the child is truly after. What is the child after? A sense of BELONGING.
There are four categories of children’s mistaken goals. The first is SEEKING UNDUE ATTENTION (of course everybody wants a modicum of attention; we are referring only to UNDUE ATTENTION). The next even more discouraged level is the seeking of UNDUE POWER. In this case, we’re talking about children controlling other people and situations that are not due areas of concern for a child. These two are the most common mistaken goals of children.
Additionally, more serious is the goal of REVENGE. In this case it is a matter of children seeking to avenge: they feel so hurt that they want to hurt back twice as much. Firstly they want to retaliate for what was done to them. Secondly they want to hurt other(s) so that the apparently offending person, persons or society will be reticent to hurt them again. And finally, the goal of DISPLAYING INADEQUACY or WITHDRAWAL of the child who feels that their existence is a “bother” so much to other people that the child wants to “disappear”. This is a passive form of revenge, and very difficult to deal with.
Download our chart: Four Mistaken Goals of Children's Misbehaviour(35 KB PDF)
There are four categories of children’s mistaken goals. The first is SEEKING UNDUE ATTENTION (of course everybody wants a modicum of attention; we are referring only to UNDUE ATTENTION). The next even more discouraged level is the seeking of UNDUE POWER. In this case, we’re talking about children controlling other people and situations that are not due areas of concern for a child. These two are the most common mistaken goals of children.
Additionally, more serious is the goal of REVENGE. In this case it is a matter of children seeking to avenge: they feel so hurt that they want to hurt back twice as much. Firstly they want to retaliate for what was done to them. Secondly they want to hurt other(s) so that the apparently offending person, persons or society will be reticent to hurt them again. And finally, the goal of DISPLAYING INADEQUACY or WITHDRAWAL of the child who feels that their existence is a “bother” so much to other people that the child wants to “disappear”. This is a passive form of revenge, and very difficult to deal with.
Download our chart: Four Mistaken Goals of Children's Misbehaviour(35 KB PDF)
Dealing With Parental Anger
Anger is the picture that people have of the way things should be and their disappointment with how they are. It is the denial of reality. Reality simply says, “We’ve got a problem, let’s deal with it”. Anger says “Or else!”
Problem Child
It’s important that we don’t look at all problems that children have as being identical or even similar. First of all there are the somatogenic issues (beginning in the body) and then there are the psychogenic issues (beginning in the mind). Many times, these differences, which are not very easily diagnosed by professionals, are morphed together into one idea. They have to be treated as separate problems. For a listing of the divisions in psychogenic problems, please see “Four Mistaken Goals of Children's Misbehaviour ”.
Encouragement
Encouragement has to do with what people do right whereas praise talks about how people are right. Our Individual Psychology methodology focuses on the benefits of what people do and acknowledges at the same time that people are generally good people.
Some WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT by Clint Reimer, Educator in Eugene, Oregon – Based on the writings and lectures of Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs, M.D. and others.
(These thoughts are intended to be of help to parents and teachers in working with children. Whether these suggested remarks will in fact be encouraging will depend on the attitudes of the adults using them. Is the feeling one of belief in the child, trust, confidence, acceptance, sometimes mixed with humor; or is the feeling one of moralizing, preaching or impatience?)
1. “You do a good job of....”Children should be encouraged when they do not expect it, when they are not asking for it. It is possible to point out some useful act or contribution in each child. Even a comment about something small and insignificant to us, may have great importance to a child.
2. "You have improved in...."Growth and improvement is something we should expect from all children. They may not be where we would like them to be, but if there is progress, there is less chance for discouragement. Children will usually continue to try if they can see some improvement.
3. “We like (enjoy) you, but we don’t like what you do.”Often a child feels he is not liked after he has made a mistake or misbehaved. A child should never think he is not liked. It is important to distinguish between the child and his behaviour, between the act and the actor.
4. “You can help us (me, the others, etc.) by ….”To feel useful and helpful is important to everyone. Children want to be helpful; We have only to give them the opportunity.
5. “How will you know you can’t unless you try.”Children who think they have to do things perfectly are often afraid to attempt something new for fear of making a mistake or failing.
6. “So you did make a mistake; now, what can you learn from your mistake?”There is nothing that can be done about what has happened, but a person can always do something about the future. Mistakes can teach the child a great deal, and he will learn if he does not feel embarrassed for having made a mistake.]
7. “You would like us to think you can’t do it, but we think you can.”This approach could be used when the child says or conveys that something is too difficult for him and he hesitates to even so much as try it, If he tried and fails, he has at least had the courage to try. Our expectations should be consistent with the child’s ability and maturity.
8. “I’m sure you can do it. Don’t give up.”When a child is trying, but not meeting much success, a comment like this might be helpful.
9. “I’m sure you can straighten this out, (solve this problem, etc.) but if you need any help, you know where to find me.”Adults need to express confidence that children are able and will resolve their own conflicts, if given a chance
10. “I can understand how you feel (not sympathy, but empathy) but I’m sure you’ll be able to handle it.”Sympathizing with another person seldom helps him, rather it conveys that life has been unfair to him. Understanding the situation and believing in the child’s ability to adjust to it is of much greater help to him.
Some WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT by Clint Reimer, Educator in Eugene, Oregon – Based on the writings and lectures of Dr. Rudolf Dreikurs, M.D. and others.
(These thoughts are intended to be of help to parents and teachers in working with children. Whether these suggested remarks will in fact be encouraging will depend on the attitudes of the adults using them. Is the feeling one of belief in the child, trust, confidence, acceptance, sometimes mixed with humor; or is the feeling one of moralizing, preaching or impatience?)
1. “You do a good job of....”Children should be encouraged when they do not expect it, when they are not asking for it. It is possible to point out some useful act or contribution in each child. Even a comment about something small and insignificant to us, may have great importance to a child.
2. "You have improved in...."Growth and improvement is something we should expect from all children. They may not be where we would like them to be, but if there is progress, there is less chance for discouragement. Children will usually continue to try if they can see some improvement.
3. “We like (enjoy) you, but we don’t like what you do.”Often a child feels he is not liked after he has made a mistake or misbehaved. A child should never think he is not liked. It is important to distinguish between the child and his behaviour, between the act and the actor.
4. “You can help us (me, the others, etc.) by ….”To feel useful and helpful is important to everyone. Children want to be helpful; We have only to give them the opportunity.
5. “How will you know you can’t unless you try.”Children who think they have to do things perfectly are often afraid to attempt something new for fear of making a mistake or failing.
6. “So you did make a mistake; now, what can you learn from your mistake?”There is nothing that can be done about what has happened, but a person can always do something about the future. Mistakes can teach the child a great deal, and he will learn if he does not feel embarrassed for having made a mistake.]
7. “You would like us to think you can’t do it, but we think you can.”This approach could be used when the child says or conveys that something is too difficult for him and he hesitates to even so much as try it, If he tried and fails, he has at least had the courage to try. Our expectations should be consistent with the child’s ability and maturity.
8. “I’m sure you can do it. Don’t give up.”When a child is trying, but not meeting much success, a comment like this might be helpful.
9. “I’m sure you can straighten this out, (solve this problem, etc.) but if you need any help, you know where to find me.”Adults need to express confidence that children are able and will resolve their own conflicts, if given a chance
10. “I can understand how you feel (not sympathy, but empathy) but I’m sure you’ll be able to handle it.”Sympathizing with another person seldom helps him, rather it conveys that life has been unfair to him. Understanding the situation and believing in the child’s ability to adjust to it is of much greater help to him.
Protective Parenting -- Preventing Abduction and/or Abuse
Learn the Ten “Kid Power” Rules!
1. TAKE TWO GREAT BIG STEPS BACK!
People often drive up to children and seek directions. It is still O.K. to offer directions, but only after they take two great big steps back. Most abductors/molesters are cowards (why else would they do what they are doing), so they are not very likely to go chasing a child through a church parking lot or through the park. Remember – if you see a child who merely appears to have been grabbed, or chased, or tricked – it’s O.K. to interrupt and go up to the child and ask, “Is this your father? (mother?)”.
2. I WON’T GO WITH SOMEONE I DON’T KNOW
Tell your child it doesn’t matter how nice this person seems. And, it doesn’t matter if this person says he or she is a teacher, or a doctor, or from the fire department, or the police. It is not your child’s job to decide if this is a good person or not. The only job of a child who is asked to go with someone he or she doesn’t know is to follow this Kid Power rule. Keep reminding your child that this is one of those times when it is O.K. to say “NO!” to what an adult wants.
3. ADULTS SHOULD SEEK HELP FROM OTHER ADULTS – NOT FROM KIDS
What if someone really has lost a kitten or a puppy – and even has a picture of it? What if a man or woman really has a cast on his or her leg and needs our help to carry things? The answer for our children is to go and get Mom or Dad, of the teacher, or some other adult that our child knows. The way a child can best help an adult is to go and get another adult. Then, it is the job of this other adult to help out when a child comes to get them. Make sure you tell your child about the times you have helped others in the past when called upon, so that he or she knows you will do something to help if you are asked.
4. ALWAYS HAVE A FAMILY PASSWORD
Don’t leave home without it! Sit down as a family and invent a word or group of words (phrase) that only your family knows. It can be three words or even on word in up to three parts (syllables). You can use a nonsense word, or a word from a foreign language that the child is used to. Then, when you must leave a message for your child to change pickup plans or transportation plans at school or camp, or wherever, make sure you use the family password. Most importantly,TELL your children they MUST NOT go with someone they don’t know unless that person says the “secret” family password. Once a password has been used one time, then find another to replace it. Don’t allow your password to be used on a school list, or any other list. By the way – one secret a child is allowed to keep, even from their friends, is the family password.
5. NEVER DISPLAY YOUR NAME
Some people have their names showing on their clothing – bowling shirts, theatre jackets, team sweaters and caps. For a child, this is NOT SAFE. People can pretend to know a child by becoming familiar with a child’s first or last name. A child’s guard might go down, just when it should stay up. When sending a child to school or camp, put his or her name on the inside of clothing. That way, a piece of clothing that belongs to your child can still be spotted, but with just a little extra effort. It’s worth it.
6. KIDS CAN’T SIGN CONTRACTS
Real talent agents know that the only people in this world who can sign contracts are adults. If a child puts his or her name on a contract, it doesn’t mean they will ever have to do anything. Tell your child that. Now, some people may say to a child, “You look so good, you should be on T.V. … or, you’re so special, or so talented.” And all it seems they want a child to do is go with them to have his or her picture taken. They may want a child to go and perform somewhere, or get a picture taken at some other place. Then, they are told they can surprise Mom or Dad. They may even ask a child to sign a contract so that everybody can get lots of money! If someone like this approaches a child, the right thing to do it to get their business card and take it home to his or her parents. But, remind your child of theKid Power rule. No matter what, I still won’t go with someone I don’t know.
7. DON’T GO IN WITHOUT YOUR PARENT’S PERMISSION
…even if this is a new and very special friend … even if it is very cold or very hot outside. “Go home and ask your parents’ permission”. Tell them, then, as their parents that you will phone the family. Then, Make arrangements to go over and meet this new friend and family. This even includes those times when children are collecting for trips or charity or newspapers. Here is a note for adults who know that they, themselves, are people who can be trusted. Don’t invite children you’ve just met into your home. It might get those children used to trusting people they have just met, and there may be others who are not as trustworthy as yourself.
8. HANDS OFF THE BATHING SUIT AREA
Nobody should be touching this area. If children are old enough to listen to instructions, then it is time for them to start bathing themselves under supervision. Parents and physicians and nurses should also respect the bathing suit area as a place not to touch unless necessary, and then health professionals should invite another health professional into the room if an examination is to take place. Remember, if anybody touches a child in the bathing suit area, or if a child is asked to touch an adult in the bathing suit area, it still means “Hands Off”, and that child must be encouraged to tell at least two people. (Please note: We have spent a lot of time trying to decide how to describe the area not to be touched. The bathing suit area is very familiar to children, and no fancy medical terms – or street words – need to be used.)
9. IT’S O.K. TO TELL THE BAD SECRETS
When you think of it, there are very few good secrets. Maybe, when your child does not mention the name of the person his or her friend really likes a lot. Or, maybe, keeping secrets about surprise gifts. But most of the other secrets are bad ones – especially touching in the bathing suit areas. So, when someone says to a child, “Don’t tell anyone”, let them know it really means, “Go tell at least two people as soon as possible”. After all, it’s such an important bad secret, it’s not enough to just tell one person. Children need to know in advance that the people who touch them in the bathing suit area may say that they will do something horrible to someone or something the child loves. Or, that they can do magic to hurt people. Explain, “Don’t believe them! They’re just fakes. People who really love you will protect you.” And one last thing … if the person who touches a child is someone who usually shows them love, they must still tell the bad secret to two people. Why? Because, when they are being touched in the bathing suit area – at that moment it’s not real love, it’s fake love.
10. A WEAPON MEANS SCREAM, KICK, YELL AND RUN
Have you ever heard of a child being shot in the back while running from someone who was trying to abduct him or her? Not likely. If everything a person does has to have a purpose, then a possible abductor defeats his own purpose if he kills his intended victim. This is why we must tell children to scream and kick, and yell and run … but never give in to a weapon. Even if a gun or a knife or other weapon is used as a threat, the rule is still I WON’T GO WITH SOMEONE I DON’T KNOW.
1. TAKE TWO GREAT BIG STEPS BACK!
People often drive up to children and seek directions. It is still O.K. to offer directions, but only after they take two great big steps back. Most abductors/molesters are cowards (why else would they do what they are doing), so they are not very likely to go chasing a child through a church parking lot or through the park. Remember – if you see a child who merely appears to have been grabbed, or chased, or tricked – it’s O.K. to interrupt and go up to the child and ask, “Is this your father? (mother?)”.
2. I WON’T GO WITH SOMEONE I DON’T KNOW
Tell your child it doesn’t matter how nice this person seems. And, it doesn’t matter if this person says he or she is a teacher, or a doctor, or from the fire department, or the police. It is not your child’s job to decide if this is a good person or not. The only job of a child who is asked to go with someone he or she doesn’t know is to follow this Kid Power rule. Keep reminding your child that this is one of those times when it is O.K. to say “NO!” to what an adult wants.
3. ADULTS SHOULD SEEK HELP FROM OTHER ADULTS – NOT FROM KIDS
What if someone really has lost a kitten or a puppy – and even has a picture of it? What if a man or woman really has a cast on his or her leg and needs our help to carry things? The answer for our children is to go and get Mom or Dad, of the teacher, or some other adult that our child knows. The way a child can best help an adult is to go and get another adult. Then, it is the job of this other adult to help out when a child comes to get them. Make sure you tell your child about the times you have helped others in the past when called upon, so that he or she knows you will do something to help if you are asked.
4. ALWAYS HAVE A FAMILY PASSWORD
Don’t leave home without it! Sit down as a family and invent a word or group of words (phrase) that only your family knows. It can be three words or even on word in up to three parts (syllables). You can use a nonsense word, or a word from a foreign language that the child is used to. Then, when you must leave a message for your child to change pickup plans or transportation plans at school or camp, or wherever, make sure you use the family password. Most importantly,TELL your children they MUST NOT go with someone they don’t know unless that person says the “secret” family password. Once a password has been used one time, then find another to replace it. Don’t allow your password to be used on a school list, or any other list. By the way – one secret a child is allowed to keep, even from their friends, is the family password.
5. NEVER DISPLAY YOUR NAME
Some people have their names showing on their clothing – bowling shirts, theatre jackets, team sweaters and caps. For a child, this is NOT SAFE. People can pretend to know a child by becoming familiar with a child’s first or last name. A child’s guard might go down, just when it should stay up. When sending a child to school or camp, put his or her name on the inside of clothing. That way, a piece of clothing that belongs to your child can still be spotted, but with just a little extra effort. It’s worth it.
6. KIDS CAN’T SIGN CONTRACTS
Real talent agents know that the only people in this world who can sign contracts are adults. If a child puts his or her name on a contract, it doesn’t mean they will ever have to do anything. Tell your child that. Now, some people may say to a child, “You look so good, you should be on T.V. … or, you’re so special, or so talented.” And all it seems they want a child to do is go with them to have his or her picture taken. They may want a child to go and perform somewhere, or get a picture taken at some other place. Then, they are told they can surprise Mom or Dad. They may even ask a child to sign a contract so that everybody can get lots of money! If someone like this approaches a child, the right thing to do it to get their business card and take it home to his or her parents. But, remind your child of theKid Power rule. No matter what, I still won’t go with someone I don’t know.
7. DON’T GO IN WITHOUT YOUR PARENT’S PERMISSION
…even if this is a new and very special friend … even if it is very cold or very hot outside. “Go home and ask your parents’ permission”. Tell them, then, as their parents that you will phone the family. Then, Make arrangements to go over and meet this new friend and family. This even includes those times when children are collecting for trips or charity or newspapers. Here is a note for adults who know that they, themselves, are people who can be trusted. Don’t invite children you’ve just met into your home. It might get those children used to trusting people they have just met, and there may be others who are not as trustworthy as yourself.
8. HANDS OFF THE BATHING SUIT AREA
Nobody should be touching this area. If children are old enough to listen to instructions, then it is time for them to start bathing themselves under supervision. Parents and physicians and nurses should also respect the bathing suit area as a place not to touch unless necessary, and then health professionals should invite another health professional into the room if an examination is to take place. Remember, if anybody touches a child in the bathing suit area, or if a child is asked to touch an adult in the bathing suit area, it still means “Hands Off”, and that child must be encouraged to tell at least two people. (Please note: We have spent a lot of time trying to decide how to describe the area not to be touched. The bathing suit area is very familiar to children, and no fancy medical terms – or street words – need to be used.)
9. IT’S O.K. TO TELL THE BAD SECRETS
When you think of it, there are very few good secrets. Maybe, when your child does not mention the name of the person his or her friend really likes a lot. Or, maybe, keeping secrets about surprise gifts. But most of the other secrets are bad ones – especially touching in the bathing suit areas. So, when someone says to a child, “Don’t tell anyone”, let them know it really means, “Go tell at least two people as soon as possible”. After all, it’s such an important bad secret, it’s not enough to just tell one person. Children need to know in advance that the people who touch them in the bathing suit area may say that they will do something horrible to someone or something the child loves. Or, that they can do magic to hurt people. Explain, “Don’t believe them! They’re just fakes. People who really love you will protect you.” And one last thing … if the person who touches a child is someone who usually shows them love, they must still tell the bad secret to two people. Why? Because, when they are being touched in the bathing suit area – at that moment it’s not real love, it’s fake love.
10. A WEAPON MEANS SCREAM, KICK, YELL AND RUN
Have you ever heard of a child being shot in the back while running from someone who was trying to abduct him or her? Not likely. If everything a person does has to have a purpose, then a possible abductor defeats his own purpose if he kills his intended victim. This is why we must tell children to scream and kick, and yell and run … but never give in to a weapon. Even if a gun or a knife or other weapon is used as a threat, the rule is still I WON’T GO WITH SOMEONE I DON’T KNOW.